The Would-Be Blog Musings

Yesterday brought with it not only death cramps, a house invasion consisting of Jane, Lizer, and Heather, but also an unusually-and-exceedingly-peculiar-and-altogether-quite-impossible-to-describe (and unexpected) coffee-free coffee date.

Segue-less transition. What is it in us humans that makes us so replacable? Is the media to blame, as they seem to be the root of all our problems? (Who is "they" anyway?) Is it the inability for people to form lasting relationships? Insecurity? Self-gain? Does maintaining a friendship take so much more effort than discarding one half-used to start another that will only be half-used before discarded?

I've got to give Derek some credit here. As hard as he tried to replace me, and made me feel that he had entirely, he said he never could. His admitting this, in a way, really helped me a lot with moving on. Someone thought that I was irreplacable, and even though our paths would separate, that's still an okay thing to admit. I learned this early on with Tony, Megan, Landon. I have had many amazing frriends (and boyfriends) that have come and gone but could never be replaced-- I couldn't possibly think of doing so. And eventually it becomes okay to let some go entirely, but still valueing the amazing things you've learned from them.

This leads me to a conclusion that perhaps none of us are at all replacable- hence whey God made us all unique- and people that feel they need to replace us just have an emptiness that will never fill no matter how many friends or girlfriends they go through. I dunno. But the need to talk about one's-self so adimently and thoroughly on the serface (though not thoroughly at all) indicates some struggle to prove to me that there's life outside of a communication we used to have - like I didn't already know. Five years ago, with Ryan, I would have told him anything and everything in a struggle to show him how successfully my Ryan-free life was running (but he never made the effort to get in touch-- I should give some credit here!) I'm not saying I minded yesterday. I was glad for the updates and all the good news! It just strikes me as strange that someone who keeps so much from you could possibly have so much to tell you. But I do like being told. I'm not trying to be ungrateful here. I just appreciate a friendship that's worked on and maintained so much more. But I guess these longing absences teach us what we really have or are capable of building up.

Wow. My dear friends. You have listened to me vent, so unafraid of me when I display emotions other than my usual sanguine self. My biggest catch-22 is how much I like to talk about myself-- because I like to open up so that you'll open up so I can know you. Isn't it funny? The girl who's always talking about herself just really wants to know you... and she comes across as self-absorbed. Maybe I shouldn't be trying to figure out yesterday at all. Maybe someone else is just caught in that space between friendship and ex-girlfriend independence. I just don't like being stuck in the middle of a course that someone else is running. Probing into deeper life would have been the best and worst thing to have done. I'm frustrated with ambeguities. I have no reason to trust him and no reason not to. That's a rock and a hard place! He must know something that I don't that's making him ill-at-east, or he'd get off the fence and figure out if we're actually friends or not. Until then, I'm getting closer and closer to my goal of 100 songs - which I'm looking forward to celebrating with the sweet and excited Megan Dillary (eep, don't know how to spell her last name), and whoever else cares and is in close proximity.
Well, it only took me forever to get here:

HOT OFF THE PRESS VOLUME 10
Is available if you push the right buttons and ask nice.

Happy Reading.
Happy New Year.
Happy Birthday to Lizer and Nick P.

-PricelessNess